I just don’t understand

I told you before that a lot of my co-workers both current and former read my blog. I found out about it awhile ago and couldn’t decide what to do. I find it very strange that they want to read it. Do you all view this as my online diary that you are snooping through? Do you make fun of me behind my back with what I post? Do you get some strange joy from reading things that I ALREADY TELL YOU ANYWAY?! People don’t make sense to me. But the question for me is, what do I do about it?

Do I:

  • change my blog name, thus hiding my little corner of the internet from them? (and don’t tell anyone about the change?)
  • post less personal things because they are reading it?
  • censor myself
  • keep going as I have been–no matter who is reading this?

So far I’ve done a combo of the last 3. I’ve been guarded here lately. I don’t like feeling that way. I’ve asked some of them why they read it. They claim they don’t, they just know everything I post. Here’s the thing: I KNOW THEY DO! Liars!

Here’s what I think: It is my own fault for putting myself out there. This is true. But what started as a safe place for me to talk about running and my life has now turned into something I distrust. A place I feel judged. Where I can’t say what I want to say to my friends (you) without worrying that someone here will judge me for it.

So thanks a lot co-workers, both current and former. You have tried to ruin something I love. I don’t know why, and frankly, I don’t care. But either way, something has to change.

And you know what? It has NOTHING to do with any of you, my lovely Tumblr friends. I have made some of my dearest friends through this site. I am so very glad that I am here. Of all the people I’ve met through the internet (online dating included) you all are my favorites! If not for this place I never would have run a Full Marathon, I wouldn’t have gone to Fargo last year to run a Half with Brooke, Bailee and Johnna. I wouldn’t be going to Canada this summer to see Brooke. I wouldn’t get to meet Ginni this summer. I wouldn’t have met the guy with the coolest Mustache, David. And so many others. 

So, what’s the answer? I honestly don’t know. I love my blog name. I don’t want to give it up. But maybe I’ll have to.

Jerks.

I never enjoy anything. I’m always waiting for whatever is next. I think everyone is like that…living life in fast-forward. Never stopping to enjoy the moment. Too busy trying to rush through everything so we can get on with what we’re really supposed to be doing with our lives. I get these flashes of clarity, brilliant clarity, where for a second I stop and think “Wait, this is it. This is my life. I better slow down and enjoy it because one day we’re all gonna end up in the ground and that’ll be it. We’ll be gone.

Stuck in love (via kristindoeshealthy)

I know I’m not the only one who does this…

…but last night TrivialBob was in my dream! MrsTrivialBob was also there. 

Lindsay has had dreams about Bob before…so I know I’m not alone in this.

I can’t really remember the dream, just that Bob and Shelia were there. I have met Bob-at the Chicago Marathon in 2012, but haven’t had the pleasure of meeting Shelia yet. All I can remember was that I was hanging out with them and we were talking about life.

I think they had imparted some great wisdom to me, and then I woke up and forgot it.

Crap. That sucks. I really think I need more wisdom in my life. Sigh.

Passionate Prayer

I don’t like to pontificate here. Everyone has their own beliefs and that’s fine. But I feel compelled to share this with you.

Part of yesterday’s lesson at Church really spoke to me. The sermon was on Passionate Prayer and it defined the elements of it as this:

“An awareness of brokenness that creates desperation stirs passionate prayer.”

Huh. So a lot of the time we only pray passionately for something, i.e. in medical emergencies, accidents, times of great need, when we are aware of how broken we are. It creates that desperation inside of us, and we see that some things are just out of our hands.

I think this could be taken many ways. For me, I realized that I have some soul-searching to do in some areas of my life. Dating has left me pretty broken. Recent relationships especially. I’m trying to make something happen when I really should just let go and pray about it. It happens when you least expect it; that’s what everyone says anyway. 

Sometimes, those are harsh and expensive lessons to learn.