5 days shy of being together 4 months, it’s over. We’re over. A little over a week later I’m still reeling from it. We’re broken up. The man who told me he loved me, who daydreamed about our wedding with me, who took me on vacation across the country to meet his friends and family said it was over. He said we don’t really have anything in common. And when he gets relocated in May (he’s an Army recruiter) he didn’t think I’d actually move with him (despite me assuring him I would. I loved him that much.)

I have been absent here since it happened last Sunday night. I think in many ways I’m still in shock. Oh, the signs were there; he’d been acting distant, we’d talk. He claimed that we were good and he believed that I would go when he moves. He wouldn’t let us have anything in common. He wouldn’t let me watch Pro Football with him, he wouldn’t try to have a good time at the Husker football game we went to. He just didn’t try, he wanted me to fit in some mold he created: he wanted me to move in after only dating a month (I didn’t), he wanted me to cook dinner every night, (I’m not a big cook) he told me all my friends were lame. He tried to pull me away from my friends and family. It was a toxic relationship and I didn’t see it. 

He still lives just around the corner from me. I drive by his house every day on my way to work. We are still friends on Facebook. Please don’t tell me to defriend him yet; it will happen in its own time. This morning I noticed that he had detagged himself last night in two photos we took at the Nebraska football game we went to the day before he ended things. I felt like all of the air had been forced from lungs and my heart hurt. That’s the only way to put it. I feel physical pain with this break-up.

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat. The lyrics always seem to resonate with me after a break-up.

     

Nobody here knocking at my door
      The sound of silence I can’t take anymore
      Nobody ringing my telephone now
      Oh how I miss such a beautiful sound

     And I don’t even know how I survive
     I won’t make it to the shore without your light
     No I don’t even know if I’m alive
     Oh, oh, oh without you now
     This is what it feels like

      Nothing to hold but the memories and frames
     Oh they remind me of the battle I face
     without your love, without you I drown
     Somebody save me I’m going down

However, in the interest of self-preservation and trying to get myself out of the deepening depression I seem to be falling into, I’ve been listening to these gems: Love Myself and Breathe In, Breathe Out

Those song lyrics are MUCH happier: (even if “Love Myself” may be about that, um, special touch… 

“Breath In, Breathe Out” appears to be about a break up, which somehow lyrically fits my life:

     

I remember what I wore on our first date
     I remember how you felt against my face
     I remember all the songs we used to hate
     I remember we were sleepless in New York
     I remember how my avenues were yours
     I remember when they weren’t anymore

I need to publicly thank a few Tumblrs who have been a wonderful shoulder to cry on: two-o-nine, thatsminethankyou and running-matt. Brooke: I can’t wait to see you kick the Twin Cities Marathon’s butt. Thanks for always listening to me and knowing just what to say. Ryan: Thank you for listening and giving just the right amount of advice and encouragement. And Matt: Thank you for warning me that this entire relationship didn’t seem right from the get-go. You were right. Thanks for listening to me and being a great friend.

I went to my parent’s house this weekend to lick my wounds and survive in the soothing comfort of my wonderful mom and dad. My friends and family have been great: even my big brother has called me to check in! Knowing I’m cared for by so many people helps to ease some of the pain.

Heartache sucks and causes me to lose my appetite; I haven’t much felt like eating and as a result lost about 3 pounds in as many days. I’m working on wanting to eat, but each time I see something involving him (he went to a fall festival this weekend with another girl, he didn’t want to go but begrudgingly said he would when I said it was something I wanted to do. I didn’t end up going, but he did. And with another girl no less) I find that I get that punched-in-the-gut feeling and I my appetite disappears. It is no way to live, but I know that this too, shall pass. 

My mom asked how I felt about seeing a counselor or a therapist. I never thought I would be the type of person that would “need” that. But perhaps talking to a professional would help me get out of my own head and see why I keep making the same relationship mistakes. We shall see.

I need to get back to me. Find things to occupy the time that I used to spend with him in the evenings and weekends. I’m going to run more again, I’m considering going to Pure Barre to check that out. I’m going to work on my relationship with myself. Because the best, longest lasting, and most wonderful is the one I have with myself. So I’m single again. For the umpteenth time. But that just means that I’m one step closer to actually finding the man who will love the things about me that the others merely tolerated and/or mocked. And I deserve to find him. We all deserve that person. I want to be that person for someone. It will happen, someday.

Today’s Notes from the Universe pretty much nailed it:  

The great thing about change, Melissa, is that it absolutely, positively, always means that things are going to get better.

Even when you don’t know how.

You rock,
   The Universe

I think I’m going to hold you to that, Universe.