Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

These feelings will never go away. Every day, for the rest of my life, will be a struggle to forget. A struggle to be healthy. Normal. Someone who is unfettered by such a simple action.

Eating.

The holidays are the worst. Particularly Thanksgiving. A holiday basically devoted to food. Eating and drinking and gorging yourself is celebrated. It’s what we do on this day. (And the weekend after it.)

And that’s ok. You’re allowed. I’m allowed. It’s normal. The body must have food to survive. We need it. But do we need 3,000+ calories in a single day? And then leftovers the next day? And the day after that?

Probably not.

…..

Despite losing 150 pounds and maintaining that weight loss for more than 3 years now, I still have some pretty major issues with food. Each day is a very real struggle for me. I have to eat. And I do eat. But sometimes, the very act of eating stresses me out.

Will I overeat, and gain back the weight? Will I eat too much? Will this one meal be the meal that starts the out-of-control spiral?

Intellectually, I know that one meal isn’t going to make me gain 5 pounds. But when you stop caring about one meal, do you then stop caring about them all?

I spent most of my life overweight. I will admit, it is hard for me to remember what it felt like when I was heavy. I don’t really recall how it felt to live in that body anymore. Perhaps that is my mind’s way of protecting itself. I see pictures and I have a hard time remembering that girl.

But the thing is; unless you’ve been overweight, unless you’ve ever struggled with food, then you have no idea. It’s as simple as that. You can sympathize, but you can’t empathize. Eating isn’t always complicated for some people. I wish I were one of them.

Every day, for the rest of my life, (and I’m guessing this is true for a lot of you too) I will struggle with food. With wanting to eat the sweet treats because “I deserve it.” I will battle the demons that tell me don’t eat lunch so you can eat more crap later. I will rage against the quiet voices in my head that tell me I need to run harder or more now to punish my body for the Jr. Mints I consumed.

I like to think I beat back some of these monsters. that I’ve conquered a few of them. My relationship with food has gotten better, talking about it helps. But I know that I will forever struggle to have a successful attitude towards food.

And maybe, that’s good enough for right now.

Tuesday Thoughts

I paid for my groceries and items at Target today IN CASH!
In fact, I paid for Target in exact change AND the rug I thought was $14 on sale was only $6! High Fives all around for Melissa today!
I got a pre-race sports massage over my lunch hour. My hamstrings and IT bands feel “great” but my back is a mess of tension. Story of my life lady.
I discovered during my run this morning that if I actually pump my arms instead of just letting them swing there I can 1. go MUCH faster. 2. engage my core. and 3. feel POWERFUL. Why haven’t I been doing this all along? I’m an idiot, apparently.
I am still up 5 pounds (or a few more, thanks lady stuff!) and I HATE it. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and it sucks. I feel heavy and I feel unattractive and it feels like there is NOTHING I can do about it. The weight is stubbornly not budging. I am terrified of running the Half on Friday because I don’t want to gain another 5 pounds. It’s stressing me out.
My mom and her hospital dietitian both think I don’t eat enough calories. I would estimate (as I currently am not tracking calories) that I eat around 1500 to 1800 calories a day. The high number is maybe pushing it. It maybe less. According to the formula and my activity level, she says I should eat 2400 calories on a running day and 1900 on a maintaining day as I burn about 1500 calories a day just existing. I don’t know. It’s hard for me to believe it. I don’t know that I can eat that much without feeling ill. But they think that my body isn’t sure if I will get the calories so it holds onto water and that’s why I’m up those pounds. Science, man.
I just want to feel comfortable and not fat again. (don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not fat, but I feel desperately uncomfortable. It’s a terrible way to live.)

If you read all of this, High Fives for you!

Have a good night friends!

Unpopular post of the day

I hesitate to tell you all this, because I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging. But I’m not. And when you do things this way, other things suffer.

That said, In the past 7 days I have lost 6.5 pounds. It has not been because I have been actively trying to lose weight. In fact, I don’t really want to lose weight, I’m happy with where I’m at. But for whatever reason I just haven’t felt like eating.

Simple as that.

As easy as it is to overeat, sometimes its just as easy not to eat much if anything at all.

Now I don’t want you to worry, I’m eating, promise. But lately eating has been like forcing myself to eat. I look at my bowl of oatmeal in the morning and can eat a few bites, and then sigh and force the rest of it down. I eat it, but I don’t want to.

Lunch and dinner are the same battles. Nothing sounds good to me, and sometimes I just don’t eat anything. This is a terrible idea.

I am 100% positive this has contributed to my terrible runs as of late. I haven’t fueled my body properly and therefore it won’t go the distance for me. My 11 mile long run on Saturday turned into 3 miles. I just didn’t have it in me.

Oh sure, I like that I’ve lost weight. I noticed it immediately in the way my pants fit, and how much flatter my stomach is. I like that. But I don’t like feeling exhausted all the time. I feel drained. Saturday I ate 4 dark chocolate covered almonds and a handful of Jr. Mints. That was all I had all day before I had a decent dinner.

So, in the interest of full disclosure to you all, I promise I’m trying. I want to eat. I AM eating. I can’t let my running suffer because of it.

This has been bothering me

(Disclaimer: these are my thoughts. I have A LOT of time to think on runs, and my mind wanders. Today, this is where it went.)

Why is it, in our culture, that we celebrate things with food?

You got a promotion at work? Let me take you to dinner to celebrate!

It’s your birthday? Let’s have dinner and drinks!!

Getting married? Let’s eat cake!

Haven’t seen you for a long time? lunch date it is!

Its ____________ Holiday? Let’s have all these crazy foods that we can only have this one time of year so that puts special meaning on them and subsequently we want them even more and covet them, overeating them.

And the opposite is true too, when bad things happen, we eat then too. For example:

Most funeral services have a meal after them. People bring you food when someone dies. Its just the way it is.

You’ve had some sort of tragedy in your life? Let me buy you dinner and we can talk it out.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I engage in this all the time. However, I just have to wonder if its part of what has led to this nation’s obesity epidemic. It certainly can’t help.

Just my thoughts.

Is your workplace like mine?

Several of my co-workers love to bake. They bring the delicious fruits of their labor into the office and encourage you to eat them. But ya know what?They don’t eat any of it themselves.This drives me nuts. Pretty much every day at my station we have some sort of baked good: today its pumpkin muffins one of our meteorologists made, and s’more bars our morning editor made. Yesterday we had donuts. The day before that, someone brought in homemade chex mix. There are also cupcakes and muffins that come to us from the community.

It’s a never-ending cycle! Most times, I have enough willpower to resist them. Sometimes, I don’t. Most of the time I don’t beat myself up over eating the treats. But sometimes I think about and wonder…why don’t the cooks eat any of their own baked goods? Sometimes I think they are trying to make us gain weight!

Oh wait! I did that to myself! 🙂

Just a few random thoughts on this Thursday!

Have a good day friends!