These feelings will never go away. Every day, for the rest of my life, will be a struggle to forget. A struggle to be healthy. Normal. Someone who is unfettered by such a simple action. 

Eating.

The holidays are the worst. Particularly Thanksgiving. A holiday basically devoted to food. Eating and drinking and gorging yourself is celebrated. It’s what we do on this day. (And the weekend after it.)

And that’s ok. You’re allowed. I’m allowed. It’s normal. The body must have food to survive. We need it. But do we need 3,000+ calories in a single day? And then leftovers the next day? And the day after that?

Probably not.

…..

Despite losing 150 pounds and maintaining that weight loss for more than 3 years now, I still have some pretty major issues with food. Each day is a very real struggle for me. I have to eat. And I do eat. But sometimes, the very act of eating stresses me out. 

Will I overeat, and gain back the weight? Will I eat too much? Will this one meal be the meal that starts the out-of-control spiral? 

Intellectually, I know that one meal isn’t going to make me gain 5 pounds. But when you stop caring about one meal, do you then stop caring about them all? 

I spent most of my life overweight. I will admit, it is hard for me to remember what it felt like when I was heavy. I don’t really recall how it felt to live in that body anymore. Perhaps that is my mind’s way of protecting itself. I see pictures and I have a hard time remembering that girl.

But the thing is; unless you’ve been overweight, unless you’ve ever struggled with food, then you have no idea. It’s as simple as that. You can sympathize, but you can’t empathize. Eating isn’t always complicated for some people. I wish I were one of them.

Every day, for the rest of my life, (and I’m guessing this is true for a lot of you too) I will struggle with food. With wanting to eat the sweet treats because “I deserve it.” I will battle the demons that tell me don’t eat lunch so you can eat more crap later. I will rage against the quiet voices in my head that tell me I need to run harder or more now to punish my body for the Jr. Mints I consumed.

I like to think I beat back some of these monsters. that I’ve conquered a few of them. My relationship with food has gotten better, talking about it helps. But I know that I will forever struggle to have a successful attitude towards food.

And maybe, that’s good enough for right now.