Things that I know for sure

Losing your job is terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. I’m working hard not to get depressed as I apply for jobs and wait to hear from them.
The fact that my former boss had the power to throw my life into a tailspin like this with this action is also scary. I have a lot of anger going on right now.
I had some pretty scary thoughts while out for runs the past two days: I won’t go into detail but suffice it to say that I can see how I could easily slip into a very deep and dark depression because of this.
I crave a routine. Getting up, going to work, and getting out of the house is something that I took for granted. I’m working on making a new routine in the interim.
I have AMAZING friends. YOU GUYS. I would be such a mess without the love and support from all of you and my other friends too! From the messages, calls, texts and all the thoughts and prayers, I am so, so grateful to you all.
I’ve applied for about 25 jobs in the past few days. I’ve called in favors from friends and am just now playing the waiting game. I have no patience so this will be hard.
Good News? My friend that I edit videos for is bringing me a computer and videos today. I make $100/video so with all the free time I will have I can make some decent cash. So that helps.
I’m going to begin to look at part time work if I don’t get any bites soon. Not working would be cool if I knew I would start a new job on a certain day. I just have to have faith and trust that it will all work out. If you pray, please add me to your prayers!

Thanks friends

Is this rock bottom?

I came into work Monday morning and my boss called me into her office. She sat me down and told me that due to the $200,000 that we are in the red, my position was being eliminated and my duties were being assigned to the remaining staff.

The next few moments were surreal; she outlined the severance package: (1 month salary and paying me out my PTO and another month of health insurance), and asked if I had any questions.

Over the roaring sound in my ears, I was able to choke out, “There’s really nothing to say, is there? You’ve made up your mind.”

She said it was a difficult decision and one she did not take lightly. I wholeheartedly disagree: she did not like that I questioned her about the potential office move. The way she treated me after that incident was totally different from how it was before.

I gathered my things and left. She had told all the others to either not come in or to come in late-which I find incredibly shady. I find it odd that this comes only 3 days after I reached my membership and sponsorship goals last week. I was the Membership Director. I think she will find that this was the wrong decision, especially with only a month to go before conference.

I am a mess. An utter mess. A month ago my boyfriend broke up with me. 4 weeks later this happens. I have to have faith that this is part of God’s greater plan for my life, but it is so hard to see that right now.

I’ve applied for several jobs, and have more to go. And you better believe that I’ve already filed for unemployment! They have to pay for doing this to me!

I am worried about money. Rent and a new car payment and other bills scare me. I have a bit of time, but not a lot. If you would all keep me in your thoughts and prayers, I would appreciate it!! Any possible ideas or leads would be appreciated!

Friday, Finally

I tried a thing with my hair last night. I took a shower and washed my hair then I twisted it and pinned it up on the top of my head to air dry all night. I was going for the beachy waves. I think I got the frizzy mess instead. Whatever. It’s Friday. I don’t care.
Over Labor Day we had a hail storm. I had Shaniqua for 12 years without any hail damage after multiple storms. 6 weeks into owning my new car (Brooke has named her “Blue-niqua”!) I managed to acquire $3130.00 in hail damage! Sniff, sniff. I got the estimate Wednesday and made her appointment for when I’m in Chicago for conference next month.
GUESS WHAT?!?!?! At 3:45pm yesterday I HIT MY MEMBERSHIP GOALS!! 100% (at least!) of every category across the board! I’m so relieved, it is like a huge weight has been lifted. To give you some perspective, I’m responsible for just under $490,000.00 (or 40% of our operating budget!) and $50k in Conference sponsorship money. I hit THAT goal last month. **$51,750 thankyouverymuch!**

It is going to be cool today (upper 60′s), 80 tomorrow and 90 on Sunday. I really do love Fall in Nebraska.
Those should be a 4 & 5, but Tumblr won’t let me. Whatever dude. We are doing Random Acts of Kindness at work. I have to do something nice for a coworker (doesn’t have to involve money) by Tuesday. Any suggestions?

Happy FRIDAY!!

Oh hi friends!

I feel like we haven’t talked for awhile. Between travelling to the Twin Cities and work being crazy (We’re at 41 days to go until our conference in Chicago in November!) and life just generally being busy, I haven’t had time to write. Let’s catch up, shall we?

Work is good. My membership goal for 2015 is 890 institutions. As of today I’m at 888. So close. So very close. We should hit goal by next week at the latest I think. Also, I haven’t had to move offices! Fingers crossed that won’t happen at all!!
After about 4 months of putting myself (and my fitness) last, I’m back on the exercise train, running and walking, I’m making good food choices (it is so much easier to eat healthy when you are only cooking/feeding yourself!) and working out most days a week. My friend and I are going to the gym tonight to lift.
Eating better and moving more really does work. I’m down 3 pounds since Monday of the 15 I want/need to lose.
Facebook reminded me that 3 years ago today I ran my first and only Full Marathon and it is @becky-balances birthday! The happiest of birthdays to you my dear friend.
I’m still not ready to date-however I was at the grocery store the other night and a VERY good looking gentleman and I kept catching eyes. He came and walked right behind me. It made me happy to know that I’m healing. 3.5 weeks post-break up and I’m definitely in a MUCH better place than I was only a few weeks ago.

Happy Hump Day Friends

A post about consistency

3 years separate those two photos. The one on the left popped up in my Facebook “On This Day” memory posts. A PR company sent my Husker hand-dyed Roses at work. It was pretty great!

Aside from a little more junk in the trunk now, I don’t think I’m too much heavier than I was in the weeks leading up to the 2012 Chicago Marathon, and that’s when I was in my very best shape. Not quite at my lowest weight (I looked like skelator and my doctor told me to re-gain a few pounds in early 2012).

But the fact is, I’m not as fat and gross as I think I am. All in all, I’m pretty consistent about my weight and my size. However, I want to get back to that girl on the left. That started last week. Eating better and moving more. It seems that I DO remember how to do that! 😉

Just please ignore whatever creepy look I’m doing in the photo from this weekend.

Have a great week friends!

Scenes from a pretty great weekend.

In the past 3 days I’ve run a 5k each day. That may not seem like much, and to be honest it doesn’t seem like much to past Melissa, but since I’ve essentially let my running fall by the wayside these past four months, this WAS a big deal! The weather has been fantastic…sunny, warm, and not humid. I’m a fan.

Saturday night my former main anchor at the tv station held his annual fall party…complete with a fire pit and Smores! I really dig my flannel shirt, so you get to see it. #basicwhitegirl

I’m posing with a book and cut the author out of the photo…But she’s the teenage daughter of one of my former coworkers. She is a published author. At 17. What am I doing with my life?? That’s my dream! Why am I not doing it?? Deep thoughts with Melissa.

This girl has a 7 book deal, because this is a series. I’ll let you know how the book is, but it sounds good. You can get it on Amazon.

I’m going to relax and enjoy the evening. I hope you all do too!!

I love you guys

Thanks for all the comments and offers of a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen after this post. I’ve been in a fairly dark cloud but I’m getting better.

In the interest of moving on and the whole “you do you” philosophy, tonight I’m running, then I’m going to watch Pitch Perfect 2 (out today on DVD!) and I can’t wait! Sounds like a pretty solid date with myself. 🙂

Numb

5 days shy of being together 4 months, it’s over. We’re over. A little over a week later I’m still reeling from it. We’re broken up. The man who told me he loved me, who daydreamed about our wedding with me, who took me on vacation across the country to meet his friends and family said it was over. He said we don’t really have anything in common. And when he gets relocated in May (he’s an Army recruiter) he didn’t think I’d actually move with him (despite me assuring him I would. I loved him that much.)

I have been absent here since it happened last Sunday night. I think in many ways I’m still in shock. Oh, the signs were there; he’d been acting distant, we’d talk. He claimed that we were good and he believed that I would go when he moves. He wouldn’t let us have anything in common. He wouldn’t let me watch Pro Football with him, he wouldn’t try to have a good time at the Husker football game we went to. He just didn’t try, he wanted me to fit in some mold he created: he wanted me to move in after only dating a month (I didn’t), he wanted me to cook dinner every night, (I’m not a big cook) he told me all my friends were lame. He tried to pull me away from my friends and family. It was a toxic relationship and I didn’t see it.

He still lives just around the corner from me. I drive by his house every day on my way to work. We are still friends on Facebook. Please don’t tell me to defriend him yet; it will happen in its own time. This morning I noticed that he had detagged himself last night in two photos we took at the Nebraska football game we went to the day before he ended things. I felt like all of the air had been forced from lungs and my heart hurt. That’s the only way to put it. I feel physical pain with this break-up.

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat. The lyrics always seem to resonate with me after a break-up.

Nobody here knocking at my door
The sound of silence I can’t take anymore
Nobody ringing my telephone now
Oh how I miss such a beautiful sound

And I don’t even know how I survive
I won’t make it to the shore without your light
No I don’t even know if I’m alive
Oh, oh, oh without you now
This is what it feels like

Nothing to hold but the memories and frames
Oh they remind me of the battle I face
without your love, without you I drown
Somebody save me I’m going down

However, in the interest of self-preservation and trying to get myself out of the deepening depression I seem to be falling into, I’ve been listening to these gems: Love Myself and Breathe In, Breathe Out

Those song lyrics are MUCH happier: (even if “Love Myself” may be about that, um, special touch…

“Breath In, Breathe Out” appears to be about a break up, which somehow lyrically fits my life:

I remember what I wore on our first date
I remember how you felt against my face
I remember all the songs we used to hate
I remember we were sleepless in New York
I remember how my avenues were yours
I remember when they weren’t anymore

I need to publicly thank a few Tumblrs who have been a wonderful shoulder to cry on: two-o-nine, thatsminethankyou and running-matt. Brooke: I can’t wait to see you kick the Twin Cities Marathon’s butt. Thanks for always listening to me and knowing just what to say. Ryan: Thank you for listening and giving just the right amount of advice and encouragement. And Matt: Thank you for warning me that this entire relationship didn’t seem right from the get-go. You were right. Thanks for listening to me and being a great friend.

I went to my parent’s house this weekend to lick my wounds and survive in the soothing comfort of my wonderful mom and dad. My friends and family have been great: even my big brother has called me to check in! Knowing I’m cared for by so many people helps to ease some of the pain.

Heartache sucks and causes me to lose my appetite; I haven’t much felt like eating and as a result lost about 3 pounds in as many days. I’m working on wanting to eat, but each time I see something involving him (he went to a fall festival this weekend with another girl, he didn’t want to go but begrudgingly said he would when I said it was something I wanted to do. I didn’t end up going, but he did. And with another girl no less) I find that I get that punched-in-the-gut feeling and I my appetite disappears. It is no way to live, but I know that this too, shall pass.

My mom asked how I felt about seeing a counselor or a therapist. I never thought I would be the type of person that would “need” that. But perhaps talking to a professional would help me get out of my own head and see why I keep making the same relationship mistakes. We shall see.

I need to get back to me. Find things to occupy the time that I used to spend with him in the evenings and weekends. I’m going to run more again, I’m considering going to Pure Barre to check that out. I’m going to work on my relationship with myself. Because the best, longest lasting, and most wonderful is the one I have with myself. So I’m single again. For the umpteenth time. But that just means that I’m one step closer to actually finding the man who will love the things about me that the others merely tolerated and/or mocked. And I deserve to find him. We all deserve that person. I want to be that person for someone. It will happen, someday.

Today’s Notes from the Universe pretty much nailed it:

The great thing about change, Melissa, is that it absolutely, positively, always means that things are going to get better.

Even when you don’t know how.

You rock,
The Universe

I think I’m going to hold you to that, Universe.

Friday Five Coffee Date

It’s football Friday so we wear our Nebraska red. I’m also wearing dress shorts for the 2nd day in a row. It’s warm, muggy, and rainy so I’m dressing for comfort. And we’re closing the office at 2pm ahead of the long weekend! Hooray!
I have had at least one meeting every single day this week. Sometimes, we meet to decide when we can have meetings for other things. MAKE THE MADNESS STOP!!!
I’m heading home to hang with the ‘rents for part of the long weekend. The BF is planning a weekend full of pro football and house cleaning. I, on the other hand, will be watching college football and relaxing. I think I win. 🙂
I have yet to have to move offices. I’m crossing my fingers it won’t happen.
I can tell I have not been running enough lately; when things frustrate me I go from calm to insanely irritated in an instant. I need to run/workout to keep me mellow. It’s safer for everyone around me! 😉

Thursday Things

I gained some new followers after yesterday’s post. Welcome to my little corner of the internet. Glad to have you join along on this journey.
The sunrises are so pretty this time of year.
I got into work at 6:45 this morning so I’m leaving at 3:45. Total win.
It’s hot here-it was 77 degrees when I got in the car to come to work at 6:30am. So I wore shorts to work today–and rocked second day hair.
Remember how I was going to wear the dress in the last picture to the wedding in New York last month, and then changed my mind? I decided it was too cute not to wear it, so I wore it to work yesterday. Wednesdays usually mark the height of how nice I will dress for work all week, so I thought the dress worked perfectly. 😉
When I called my BF on my way home from work last night he asked if he could call me back, because he was in the hospital with his co-worker who had been stabbed.
Umm…what?! I let him go, and when he got home from work he explained that they were horsing around and another guy had accidentally stabbed him with a letter opener. It went ¾ of an inch into his chest/rib cage and he was spurting blood! They booked it to the ER and had to get it fixed up. Boys. Oy. Just a little bit of excitement for a Wednesday.
My friend and I are going to start going to a weight lifting class at the gym on Tuesday & Thursdays at 6am next week. I just don’t want to go after work so I’m hoping this will routine will stick. I’d much rather go in the morning and be done for the day.

Happy Thursday friends! The long weekend is almost here!