You have been warned!!
I’m not one to talk much about girl problems on this space, but this one warrants a post.
Today marks day 25 of my period. 25 freaking days STRAIGHT. Something is not right. I’m in the seventh circle of hell.
The doctor is concerned that I’m anemic so I haven’t been allowed to exercise since Wednesday because every step and weight lifting move was such a struggle. I’m going in today to see what we can find out. Fingers crossed this ends soon. I can’t take it anymore!!
I think I’ve got the blues. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I’m just sad. And lonely. And down in the dumps. And those feelings compounded by the holidays and the pressure and being recently dumped are making me sad. Not full on depression sad, but just gloomy.
My family, friends and co-workers have noticed too. They can see something is wrong. I’m not my usual self. I’m feeling despondent. Miserable. Empty.
I don’t know how to deal with these feelings. I’m nearly always in a good mood. Happy-go-lucky. I don’t know how to do depressed.
I miss him. The nights are the worst. When you’re alone in the dark with your thoughts. There’s too much time to think. To let the mind wander. To wish for things you can’t have; you shouldn’t want. But you do. So very badly.
I don’t begrudge anyone their happiness. But the part of me that is selfish wants it too. Perhaps the wanting is what causing me to have to wait. I don’t know.
tl;dr: I’m sad. It’s the holidays and that makes the sadness magnified by a thousand.
Currently.
I’m calling this photo “buck up Melissa.”
I’m in a mood. Down in the dumps. And to top it off, I have to go to work for pre and post game shows for this Husker game.
I woke up at 8 this morning for the 3rd week in a row. Not the way I want to start my Saturday. But apparently my body had enough sleep.
When I woke up this morning all I could think about was him. We haven’t talked since Wednesday. I miss him. I want to fight for us. All the arguments as to why I should have been running through my head for days. I’m not ready to give up on us, simple as that.
Sometimes I wish I could read the last page of the book, find out if it’s all worth it. Because I think it is. I know it is. And that’s what’s pushing me through.
I hate this day, this week. I feel like life is just taking a big ol’ crap on me. I just want to cry. Body-wracking sobs that might make things better. But will they? I don’t know. I don’t want to surrender to the tears just yet.
Other times I feel empty. Void of any feeling. But I know I’m not. I know I’m still me there inside. Somewhere.
I took him back 2 and a half weeks ago. It has been good until today. Its a long story. Suffice it to say, he’s an emotional mess. Telling me today that he doesn’t want to hang out this weekend because he’s in a terrible mood and wants some alone time. We’ve been texting for a few hours now; he’s an emotional mess. Needs therapy. Stressed to the max. Feels like he can’t talk to me about the emotional stuff. So then we’re not connecting on a emotional level. I don’t know what to think. I feel like I’m ruining his life. He assures me this isn’t the truth.
So there’s that.
Between that, my hip still hurts, someone backed into my car last week (got a nice dent in my door!) I had to get a temporary crown on my tooth today because the dentist says there is not a lot of tooth left, so we will start here and go from there. Add my check engine light to that (which I still haven’t gotten that looked at!). It’s been a rough several days.
I need a hug. Or something.
Sometimes I think we all show each other what we want others to see on here. A happy, good life. Balance. Prosperity. Kicking butt in workouts.
But that’s not always true. That’s not how its always going. Not for me right now, and not for some of you, I’m sure.
The truth is, I’m struggling. Not with my weight, or with food or exercise. Although my running is spotty at best right now. I’m still doing it. And my weight is fine. That area is fine.
But my personal life? I’m struggling there. Seriously having some troubles. I don’t know what to do to make it right. It is so hard to help when others won’t let you in.
I feel helpless and out of control. Feelings I hate. My first instinct is to help. To talk about it. But that’s not an option. I just have to be patient and wait. I’ve never been very good at that.
I’m a worrier. About anything, things that are beyond my control and things I can control. But the thing is, nothing I do and no matter how much I worry about it won’t change the inevitable outcome (whatever it will be).
Today’s Note From the Universe really hit home today (doesn’t it always?):
Melissa, I want to let you in on a little secret… E V E R Y O N E has issues… everyone. Even those who don’t seem like it. Because without issues, NOTHING WOULD BE WORTHWHILE.
Think about that.
So glad we had this little talk.
Tallyho,
The Universe
I sometimes struggle with how much of my life I want to put out here, available to the masses. When I first started this blog, it was a secret. I was the only one who knew about it. I told no one. It was my space to talk about running, because most of my IRL friends were tired of hearing about it.
Then it all changed. I started posting more about myself, my real world life. I accidentally told one coworker about it. And then they all knew.
Most of the time I don’t care who reads it, who knows. Because frankly, I find it strange that these coworkers would even want to read it. Most of them don’t run. I think I’m fairly transparent and tell people things about my life. So I feel like it’s oddly voyeuristic that they are reading this.
But when they talk about my blog posts behind my back? That’s not cool. When they make fun of them and try to make me feel bad for what I post? It makes me not want to post. Or to change my URL so they can’t find it anymore.
I’m 31 years old. I thought the days of mean girls and boys were over. Middle school and high school were traumatic enough. Don’t add to it as adults.
Sigh. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to censor myself. And I like my blog name. Stay tuned folks!
When 2013 began, I had a lofty goal: run 1200 miles this year or 100 miles per month.
The first 2 months, I did just fine and managed to get my miles in. I was training for a half marathon, so that made it easier.
Then March hit. I started dating an idiot and somehow lost myself and my goals in that process. My mileage dropped. I didn’t care. I was too ‘happy’. Too wrapped up in this new ‘relationship.’
Then he was gone. And I took out my anger on the treadmill and the pavement. I PR’d my 4th Half Marathon. But I didn’t increase my mileage back to 100 miles a month. I just lived life. I dated other guys. I ran when I wanted and I ran shorter distances. After spending the summer of 2012 training for the Chicago Marathon, it was nice to run however much I felt like running this summer. No schedules. Just me.
I dropped the 8 pounds I gained. I’m back to my Pre-Marathon weight. I’m running 2-3 miles 3-4 days a week. I’m riding my bike. I’m doing my pushups. I’m happy. I’m not tied to that number. It doesn’t haunt me. It’s so arbitrary anyway.
I finally realized: you will NOT lose weight by training for a Full or Half Marathon. The body needs the calories. You will gain weight. It’s ok. But if you run for fitness and fun, your body will find balance and you will lose weight (again!).
Today my Daily Mile number sits at 637 miles for the year. It’s September 18th. There are 3.5 months left in 2013. I honestly don’t know where I’ll end the year. Will I hit 900? 1000? 800? To be honest, I don’t care. I just know that the miles I do run are for me. They make me happy. They take away my stress and give me endorphines. And that’s all I can ask for.
I hesitate to tell you all this, because I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging. But I’m not. And when you do things this way, other things suffer.
That said, In the past 7 days I have lost 6.5 pounds. It has not been because I have been actively trying to lose weight. In fact, I don’t really want to lose weight, I’m happy with where I’m at. But for whatever reason I just haven’t felt like eating.
Simple as that.
As easy as it is to overeat, sometimes its just as easy not to eat much if anything at all.
Now I don’t want you to worry, I’m eating, promise. But lately eating has been like forcing myself to eat. I look at my bowl of oatmeal in the morning and can eat a few bites, and then sigh and force the rest of it down. I eat it, but I don’t want to.
Lunch and dinner are the same battles. Nothing sounds good to me, and sometimes I just don’t eat anything. This is a terrible idea.
I am 100% positive this has contributed to my terrible runs as of late. I haven’t fueled my body properly and therefore it won’t go the distance for me. My 11 mile long run on Saturday turned into 3 miles. I just didn’t have it in me.
Oh sure, I like that I’ve lost weight. I noticed it immediately in the way my pants fit, and how much flatter my stomach is. I like that. But I don’t like feeling exhausted all the time. I feel drained. Saturday I ate 4 dark chocolate covered almonds and a handful of Jr. Mints. That was all I had all day before I had a decent dinner.
So, in the interest of full disclosure to you all, I promise I’m trying. I want to eat. I AM eating. I can’t let my running suffer because of it.
Last night, I was all set to write a post about being single and alone. How much I was tired of it, how I just wanted to find my perfect man, how sorry I felt for myself because dating is so confusing.
And then I checked my facebook and saw a post from a college friend. A girl I’ve known since I was 18-years-old. Her dad had suffered a heart attack. He’s only 56-years-old. She was asking for prayers. I prayed for him and her and went to bed.
When I woke up this morning, I checked my phone and saw on facebook that her father had died. Not long after her original post about the heart attack. My heart fell to my feet and I had to fight back the tears. He’s much too young to die from a heart attack and she’s much too young to lose a father.
It brought back memories of my mother’s heart attack last December. She was lucky–she went to the hospital when the first signs happened and was able to get life saving care, and because of that, I still have my beautiful mother today.
So, in the grand scheme of things, nothing is as important or bad as it may seem. Being single and alone certainly isn’t the worst thing in the world.
My friend and her mother are picking up the pieces of their broken hearts today. It certainly puts things into perspective.
As Julie recently said, she has pulled away from this community recently. I have too. But not for the same reasons. I’m still training for my 2nd Half-Marathon, and its going well. I’m still maintaining my 150 pound weight loss–I vary between weighing 145 pounds and 148 pounds. I’m just not posting as much personal stuff right now.
I’m wrestling with what this blog is to me. Is it somewhere that I post anything and everything about my life? Do I just talk about running? Because that’s what primarily started out to be; a running blog. Do I talk about my personal life? I just don’t know right now.
I do know that its my own personal corner of the internet. But as I have become more and more brave, more and more people have found out about this place. And that’s what worries me. Will people I know in real life judge me for what I’m saying on here? Do I care if they do? Is this an appropriate place for me to “tell all?” I’m struggling with the answers to these questions.
I hope you all will stay with me as I struggle to define this place, and what it is to me!
Have a wonderful day friends! 🙂
Runnin' Down a Dream 