Pictures are a funny thing. They freeze a moment in time. And sometimes, they freeze your feelings with them. I changed my Facebook profile picture to the picture of me in the red shirt this morning. I took it last night, after I got home from the Bon Jovi concert.

As I was perusing the other pictures in my profile album, I found this gem. It is from New Year’s Eve 2007 into 2008. I vividly remember that night. There was a boy I liked. He didn’t even know I existed, but I was hopeful that New Year’s Eve would change all that. I feel like I can see the desperation in my eyes. Those feelings still haunt me. I was still so unhappy with my body then. I was even down 80 pounds or even more at the point. I can still feel those feelings when I look at the picture.

In contrast, when I look at the picture I took last night, I see a happy woman. She’s in charge of her own life. (Perhaps some of that will just come with time and age?) But most of all, I see someone who knows what she wants and is going to get it. That’s the difference. I know how to make my dreams come true now.

What a powerful feeling.

Do you ever have those moments? You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones where you unexpectedly look in the mirror and are still so surprised by what you see?

I was changing for my run when I glanced up and saw myself. I don’t see myself as fat anymore. That ended a long time ago. But i don’t always SEE myself, you know?

I sometimes forget what big changes I’ve made. My face changed a lot. My cheekbones popped out. My eyes seem bigger. My jawline more angular. Things like that. I grew my short hair out long…it’s super long now!

Strange thoughts on this Thursday.

Also, thank you for all your kind words on my earlier post. They mean more than you may ever know, friends!

I just love you guys

Thanks for all the sweet compliments on this post. I had a good time at the reception last night. I only knew the bride, her mother and another former colleague. When I was meeting other people and they found out I worked with the bride at the TV station, they all assumed that I am also on air. Either as an anchor or a reporter. It was so strange! That NEVER happened before when I was heavier. People just assumed I worked behind the scenes. Weird how people make assumptions based on weight.

I hadn’t seen the bride in years, or about 80 pounds ago. Her mouth dropped open when she saw me. Talk about gratifying! 🙂

Tonight I’m heading to our Main Anchor’s annual bonfire at his home. Food, fire and friends. Should be a good time!

Happy Saturday friends!

Lessons Learned

When 2013 began, I had a lofty goal: run 1200 miles this year or 100 miles per month.

The first 2 months, I did just fine and managed to get my miles in. I was training for a half marathon, so that made it easier.

Then March hit. I started dating an idiot and somehow lost myself and my goals in that process. My mileage dropped. I didn’t care. I was too ‘happy’. Too wrapped up in this new ‘relationship.’

Then he was gone. And I took out my anger on the treadmill and the pavement. I PR’d my 4th Half Marathon. But I didn’t increase my mileage back to 100 miles a month. I just lived life. I dated other guys. I ran when I wanted and I ran shorter distances. After spending the summer of 2012 training for the Chicago Marathon, it was nice to run however much I felt like running this summer. No schedules. Just me.

I dropped the 8 pounds I gained. I’m back to my Pre-Marathon weight. I’m running 2-3 miles 3-4 days a week. I’m riding my bike. I’m doing my pushups. I’m happy. I’m not tied to that number. It doesn’t haunt me. It’s so arbitrary anyway.

I finally realized: you will NOT lose weight by training for a Full or Half Marathon. The body needs the calories. You will gain weight. It’s ok. But if you run for fitness and fun, your body will find balance and you will lose weight (again!).

Today my Daily Mile number sits at 637 miles for the year. It’s September 18th. There are 3.5 months left in 2013. I honestly don’t know where I’ll end the year. Will I hit 900? 1000? 800? To be honest, I don’t care. I just know that the miles I do run are for me. They make me happy. They take away my stress and give me endorphines. And that’s all I can ask for.

File this under “Things I’d never thought I’d hear”

Me: “I can get a free membership to the gym that all the on-air people at the TV station go to for free! Now I can get a personal trainer!!”

My mom: (Looking concerned) “I’m worried that if you join a gym then you’ll get too skinny. You were too skinny not that long ago. Just be careful.”

Me: “Huh. Never thought I’d hear those words in reference to me.”

…

There is a gym that gives the on-air people who work at my station free membership. I am not on air, so I don’t get free membership. Rude.

HOWEVER! My friend is a personal trainer there and she asked her boss if I could also have the free membership, and he said YES! I’m excited. It costs $30/month to go to the gym, and $120/month if you want to do any of the classes. So the cost is quite prohibitive unless its free. And personal training sessions are $40-50/hour. I am going to try a couple of sessions…but can’t afford much more than that. Either way, I promise I won’t get too skinny mom!

My mom is a nurse, she knows how much I should weigh. When I was 5’9", 145 pounds, I WAS too skinny. I was gaunt and hollow looking. I gained 10 pounds back and look like a healthy person again. But that was last December-ish. I’ve been 155 since then. She knows I just want to get lean and muscular…not too thin.

Sometimes, you just forget. You forget how far you’ve come. Who you used to be. What it felt like to be that girl. That girl who ate to feel better, but knew it didn’t help.

And then sometimes you find a piece of your past. Stuffed away, and forgotten in a drawer. A piece of you that you haven’t seen for years.

And you remember.

You remember the feelings, the shame, the unhappiness. It all comes rushing back, and it weighs more than you used to. But you don’t have to carry that weight anymore.

What a relief.

I thought I had gotten rid of all of my fat pants. I found these this weekend while cleaning out the spare room at my parent’s house. I can fit into one pant leg!! I don’t know if I even know who that girl was that used to wear those pants! Those are size 24 pants. I currently wear a size 6 or 8 pants.

It’s true, you do gain something when you lose weight. I’ve gained a whole new life, a new perspective.

And that’s just fabulous.

The mind is a funny thing.

On a daily basis, I don’t know if I actually SEE myself. Know what I mean? David recently wrote a post about this.

Sure, I look in the mirror and get ready for work each day, but there are the moments when I walk by my full length mirror and I’m taken aback. When I don’t know who that person in mirror is.

I’ve lost 150 pounds. That’s a person! That’s another me! But I just don’t always see it. I don’t see myself as the girl on the left anymore. I’m not sure if I even recognize her. But to be honest with you, I don’t see myself as the girl on the right most days. I’m somwhere inbetween. It’s funny how your brain gets stuck thinking you look one way, when you’ve completely changed.

I’m too hard on myself. Too critical. My stomach isn’t flat, my thighs are too big, etc. I’ve spent so many years focused on what is wrong with my body that I don’t always see what’s RIGHT with it.

This morning, after I got done with my run, I was changing to hop in the shower. When I saw myself in the mirror I was surprised. Surprised at how strong I’ve become, how lean. How my body looks in and out of clothes. It was a “Come-To-Jesus-Moment” if I’ve ever had one. Clarity. Peace. I finally SAW myself. Saw the power in my legs, not the fat. Saw the strength in my core and stomach–not the fact that it isn’t flat yet. Saw muscles and cellulite…things that make me, me.

And that was powerful.

Stunning realizations for a Friday morning.

shortmom replied to your photo“One of our midday forum guests talked about this today. I’ve been…”

do you do interval runs, or just jog at medium? switch it up with some sprinting!

Again, this is why Shortmom is the smartest: Nope. No intervals. Right now, I’m not pushing myself. Its like a lightbulb just went off! When I lost weight this past winter I was running on the treadmill and running sprint intervals! Duh Melissa!! Maybe I should try that with my runs now?! Thanks Christine!!

One of our midday forum guests talked about this today.

I’ve been struggling with losing about 8 pounds recently and this was pretty eye-opening.

I told him I run 20 miles a week, about 5 miles a day. I still haven’t started lifting, I know I know, but I plank and do pushups. He says, if I’m not sore, then it doesn’t matter how much I run…I’m doing too much cardio to lose weight.

Well that sucks. I’d rather run than do anything else.

I’ve been biking and doing a bit of jumping on the trampoline. Those make me sore. But they don’t give me the same endorphins and feelings that running does.

I guess I gotta change things up.

Stay tuned!

I just don’t understand some people…

We all know what it takes to lose a pound of fat. I’d say its pretty much impossible to do so in a day. That means to you have to cut out and burn 3500 calories in a day. Can this be done? Perhaps. Any weight loss on the scale from one day to the next like that is most likely water weight though, am I right?

That being said, when someone posts on other social media sites that they are doing a detox diet and have already lost 3 pounds in one day and they are SURE its not water weight because they have been drinking way more water than they need to….that makes me CRAZY!

So wait, you’re telling me you somehow figured out how to burn 10,500 calories yesterday? Awesome. Let’s market that.

It IS water weight…but at the risk of starting a facebook war and losing a friend I’m venting here. To people who know and understand.

Thanks for listening. Sometimes I just get irritated. Weight loss is hard. There are no easy roads. Anyone who tries to sell you something else is lying to you.

/end rant.