Relationship Status: It’s Complicated

These feelings will never go away. Every day, for the rest of my life, will be a struggle to forget. A struggle to be healthy. Normal. Someone who is unfettered by such a simple action.

Eating.

The holidays are the worst. Particularly Thanksgiving. A holiday basically devoted to food. Eating and drinking and gorging yourself is celebrated. It’s what we do on this day. (And the weekend after it.)

And that’s ok. You’re allowed. I’m allowed. It’s normal. The body must have food to survive. We need it. But do we need 3,000+ calories in a single day? And then leftovers the next day? And the day after that?

Probably not.

…..

Despite losing 150 pounds and maintaining that weight loss for more than 3 years now, I still have some pretty major issues with food. Each day is a very real struggle for me. I have to eat. And I do eat. But sometimes, the very act of eating stresses me out.

Will I overeat, and gain back the weight? Will I eat too much? Will this one meal be the meal that starts the out-of-control spiral?

Intellectually, I know that one meal isn’t going to make me gain 5 pounds. But when you stop caring about one meal, do you then stop caring about them all?

I spent most of my life overweight. I will admit, it is hard for me to remember what it felt like when I was heavy. I don’t really recall how it felt to live in that body anymore. Perhaps that is my mind’s way of protecting itself. I see pictures and I have a hard time remembering that girl.

But the thing is; unless you’ve been overweight, unless you’ve ever struggled with food, then you have no idea. It’s as simple as that. You can sympathize, but you can’t empathize. Eating isn’t always complicated for some people. I wish I were one of them.

Every day, for the rest of my life, (and I’m guessing this is true for a lot of you too) I will struggle with food. With wanting to eat the sweet treats because “I deserve it.” I will battle the demons that tell me don’t eat lunch so you can eat more crap later. I will rage against the quiet voices in my head that tell me I need to run harder or more now to punish my body for the Jr. Mints I consumed.

I like to think I beat back some of these monsters. that I’ve conquered a few of them. My relationship with food has gotten better, talking about it helps. But I know that I will forever struggle to have a successful attitude towards food.

And maybe, that’s good enough for right now.

#TBT the summer of 2004.

I worked for the University of Nebraska Foundation for about a year and a half. We called alumi and asked for donations. We sent these mailings out to let people know to expect a phone call from us. I found this gem at my parent’s house a few weeks ago.

Why did they make me sit down in the front row?! That is NOT a good look! Oy.

That job is a major reason I have my new job today. Life is funny that way.

Holy New Followers, Batman!

So there I was on Friday night, just minding my own business, working at Corky, and things started happening.

My phone began blinking with Tumblr notifications. Non-stop. When I finally checked it, I had hundreds of reblogs, likes and a bunch of new followers from this post from last summer that had suddenly blown up. (I’m super glad that I posted a picture of me in my PJ’s with NO BRA ON that has blown up on the internet. Good call, Melissa!) As the weekend progressed it kept gaining momentum. And here we are.

I’m overwhelmed. The comments and reblogs are so awesome. When I found those pants last summer, I had forgotten about them. I think I had forgotten what it was like to be that girl. But I hadn’t. She’s still inside me. With me in every action, thought and moment. I’ve just stopped seeing myself as that girl. Make sense? I hope so.

So with that, let me introduce myself:

I’m Melissa. I’m 32. I live in Nebraska. I’m a TV News Producer, and I work at a Wine and Paint Studio (called The Corky Canvas) on the side. I love to run, read, hang out with friends and family and laugh. I write about my life, from fitness and running, to work to my very laughable dating life. The good, the bad and the ugly. It’s all here. I used to weight 295 lbs. I’ve lost 150 lbs. Life is good.

This is me, March 15, 2014:

This is me at my heaviest in 2004:

I’ve gotten a few messages, I will answer those asap. Thanks for joining me on this journey friends!

Thursday thoughts

Do you guys ever bargain with yourself before or during a run? You know what I mean: do you say, “I’m supposed to run 4 miles today, but I can run 3 instead and then make it up Saturday.” Or “I’m going to run x amount of miles today” but then when it comes time to actually doing it, you bargain yourself down in mileage…just to get it done?

I do it all the time! I actually did my 4 miles today, but I kept telling myself that 3 miles was ok too.

Um, no it wasn’t Melissa. Just do the miles and get it done. So I did. But I like to make deals with myself. Sigh. It’s a process.

In other news, a friend posted this on her facebook page today and it really resonated with me:

Whoa dude. There is so much truth in that statement. I have some pretty major issues from being so overweight for a good portion of my life. I started gaining weight in 5th grade and didn’t lose all the weight until I was 29 years old. But I think I will have lasting inner turmoil from that forever. Maybe I need therapy. Who knows. But I do know that as much as it sometimes sucks to run and lift and workout, it sucked a lot more to be 150 pounds heavier.

The mind is a funny thing.

On a daily basis, I don’t know if I actually SEE myself. Know what I mean? David recently wrote a post about this.

Sure, I look in the mirror and get ready for work each day, but there are the moments when I walk by my full length mirror and I’m taken aback. When I don’t know who that person in mirror is.

I’ve lost 150 pounds. That’s a person! That’s another me! But I just don’t always see it. I don’t see myself as the girl on the left anymore. I’m not sure if I even recognize her. But to be honest with you, I don’t see myself as the girl on the right most days. I’m somwhere inbetween. It’s funny how your brain gets stuck thinking you look one way, when you’ve completely changed.

I’m too hard on myself. Too critical. My stomach isn’t flat, my thighs are too big, etc. I’ve spent so many years focused on what is wrong with my body that I don’t always see what’s RIGHT with it.

This morning, after I got done with my run, I was changing to hop in the shower. When I saw myself in the mirror I was surprised. Surprised at how strong I’ve become, how lean. How my body looks in and out of clothes. It was a “Come-To-Jesus-Moment” if I’ve ever had one. Clarity. Peace. I finally SAW myself. Saw the power in my legs, not the fat. Saw the strength in my core and stomach–not the fact that it isn’t flat yet. Saw muscles and cellulite…things that make me, me.

And that was powerful.

Stunning realizations for a Friday morning.

I just don’t understand some people…

We all know what it takes to lose a pound of fat. I’d say its pretty much impossible to do so in a day. That means to you have to cut out and burn 3500 calories in a day. Can this be done? Perhaps. Any weight loss on the scale from one day to the next like that is most likely water weight though, am I right?

That being said, when someone posts on other social media sites that they are doing a detox diet and have already lost 3 pounds in one day and they are SURE its not water weight because they have been drinking way more water than they need to….that makes me CRAZY!

So wait, you’re telling me you somehow figured out how to burn 10,500 calories yesterday? Awesome. Let’s market that.

It IS water weight…but at the risk of starting a facebook war and losing a friend I’m venting here. To people who know and understand.

Thanks for listening. Sometimes I just get irritated. Weight loss is hard. There are no easy roads. Anyone who tries to sell you something else is lying to you.

/end rant.

This is pretty cool. I’ve been invited to participate in the Weight Control & Diabetes Research Center’s study on weight loss.

They follow people who have successfully lost at least 30 pounds and kept it off for at least a year. Its all part of the National Weight Control Registry. Since I have lost 150 pounds and kept it off for nearly 2 years they said I was an ideal candidate for the study. They will follow me for the next 10 years…asking me about my eating habits, exercise habits, diet, things like that once a year. I have to send them pictures to document my weight loss, and I can allow them to contact my doctor to get other documentation of my weight loss. I’m enclosing these photos to show how much weight I’ve lost. And I told them they could call my doctor.

I don’t get paid anything, but I think its pretty cool that they want me to participate in the study. All my hard work is paying off!

Have a good evening friends!

“Getting To Know You…”

After my influx of new followers, I feel like I owe you all a little back story about me. You can find most of this in the My story section of my blog, and for before and after pictures, just go here. But I want to get to know you all, so here’s a little about me.

I started losing weight in June of 2005. When I gained the courage to finally step on a scale, it said I weighed 295 pounds. My initial goal was to lose 100 lbs. I didn’t know if I could ever get there, but I wanted to.

At my heaviest I wore a size 22/24. Shirts were mostly size XL with some 2XL’s thrown in there. I was unhappy with my life and how I looked.

I can clearly remember the day that kicked off my weight loss; I was eating a juicy cheeseburger and fries at work, and my former co-worker Tim walked in and said, “Why are you eating that crap?” It was like a slap in the face. I don’t think I had an answer for him, but I do know that at that specific moment I set in motion changes for my life that I still follow today.

As of October 3, 2011 I have lost half of my starting weight. I have lost 147.5 pounds. The same number that I currently weigh. I went from a size 22/24 to a size 8, in somethings I am even a size 6! I used to wear 2xl shirts, now I wear a XS or S shirt. I never thought I could get to this point. But here I am! And what a ride it has been!

Everyday, people ask me how I did it. How did I lose such a significant amount of weight? They hold their breath, waiting for me to spill a secret about a special drug or a new surgery. But I didn’t do any of those things. It is simple: to lose weight you have to eat less and move more. It isn’t easy, but its so worth it.

The first month that I started eating less I had a wicked heartburn. I took tums every night. Now my stomach has shrunk, and I don’t produce as much stomach acid, so no more heartburn!

Recently, I told my mom that I had an epiphany: for me, food isn’t “fun” anymore, its just fuel. When I say “fun” I mean, I don’t get all excited to eat cookies and ice cream and treats, or go eat at a specific restaurant to eat a “bad” food. Food is there to fuel my body so that I can run a half-marathon. Its there to keep me going, not make me happy!

I hope this helps someone!

Have a great day friends!

This is pretty cool

I have been invited by a friend (and Nebraska state Senator!) to be on a panel for a Young Women’s Leadership Forum next month. Its for teens and college girls and one of the topics selected by the teens to discuss is body image and the media.

She asked me to be a part of it because I work in the media and she said I lost my weight the healthy way.

I was honored! The panel meets October 17th and I happen to have that day off because I have to work that Saturday for football. So I told her I was in! I am guessing that I will have to bring some of my before pictures. Before I made this blog I would have told you that terrified me! Putting pictures out there of me when I was fat? No thank you! But now, after such amazing support from this community, I don’t mind at all. If I can change one person’s life, that will make it all worth it. Losing 144 pounds (that’s right, I’ve lost 2 more pounds!) has been one of the most rewarding experiences in my life. I just hope I can inspire others to make the same kind of changes.

So that has made for a pretty good day. I hope your days are going well too friends!

An inner battle

Before I ran 3 miles this morning, I hadn’t run since Thursday. That’s a long time off in my world. I normally refuse to take more than 2 days in a row off. I think its the paranoid former overweight girl inside me freaking out. She knows that if she wants to stay in shape and thin, then she must keep exercising! (why am I talking about myself in the 3rd person?) But seriously, I worry sometimes that if I take more than a few days off then I will revert to my old habits: a couch potato who ate crappy food. I’ve haven’t been heavy for yearsnow. 6 years ago in June was when I began my weight loss journey. I know I keep promising photos. You will get them! I promise. The transformation has been fairly dramatic. But I know that I won’t go back…but inside my head, I can’t help but worry about it.

I am a morning runner. I simply won’t do it if I have to go workout after work. Its what works for me. But I have been exhausted these last few days, and so I haven’t run.

I wish I would have.

That feeling you get when you run…the endorphins…the breeze, the pounding of the pavement…knowing that you are doing something great for your body and your heart? I love that feeling. I don’t know why I ever think sleep is better than that feeling!

I aim to run everyday this week… I have a couple of races in a few days…so I need to get back into the groove!

Happy Tuesday!